Free Food

In all of us there is at least one thing that brings out our inner animal. Some vice, addiction, or desire that causes us to lose track of important social boundaries and to do things that we would make fun of others for doing if we were in our right minds. While I'm not quite sure what mine is (and let's be honest, most of us really don't or we might be able to avoid such behavior), but for many that trigger that sparks this animalistic transformation is FREE FOOD.

You all know exactly who I am talking about. But just to be sure, here are a few examples.

* Those who can make an entire meal from the free samples at Costco or Sam's Club (Haven't I seen you before sir? Twice... errr, three times? Would you like me to give you an entire chimichanga?).

* Those who go back for seconds or thirds at a wedding reception ("Congratulations on your marriage, my wife and I sported $20 to get you a toaster, now we are going to eat $40 worth of food and take home $3 worth of buttermints, and our children will play with another $20 worth of food but not eat half of it because there are onions in the chicken salad.").

* Those at conferences or events where free samples are handed out. I swear, these people are collectively responsible for at least 10 trampling deaths a year, as well as countless emergency room visits. A couple of years ago my wife and I ran a 5K as part of the Race for the Cure. In the cool down area for the runners all of the sponsors were handing out samples and you would have thought that cans of Dr. Pepper and samples of Special K cereal were pure gold, or better yet, the very cure for cancer (I'm still bitter I never got to try that special yogurt they were handing out, gone before I got there).

* Those that go out to dinner with you but "forget" to bring their wallet ("I'll get you next time man," suuure).

* Roommates who think anything not locked in a cupboard is "community property" (my old roommate Brian will testify that there were a few of those in our apartment, he learned quickly that if he was to get his fair share of fresh baked cookies he was going to have to bag them up and hide them under a six-month old box of Rice Crispies in the lower cupboard).

* And lastly, the most common species of free-food-animals, the office vulture. When an office has one or two of these, things are bad enough, there are always one or two people who don't end up with a slice of the birthday cake or a piece of the pizza. However, when an office has nine or ten of these individuals, no one gets anything. An email goes out that there are bagels in the break room and if you take the time to read the entire email you will be left with just a smattering of garden veggie cream cheese and half of a cinnamon raisin bagel.

These are the people who don't understand that four ice cream bars is not ok, especially when the birthday boy ends up with none. Then again, since the thought of free food blocks out all rational reasoning, who can truly blame them. Maybe you're one of them and you don't even know it. Maybe I'm...I....I'm... kinda hungry. Later.